Система видеонаблюдения Trassir: Безопасность, Контроль и Эффективность**
ManuelEquah
I study at Rowad Al Khaleej International School in Riyadh. On the surface, it’s like any modern private school — glass walls, smart boards, polite staff. But inside me, something has been breaking slowly. And I’m no longer able to convince myself it’s just pressure or lack of sleep. It’s deeper than that. This is satellite-based interference, executed by actual Saudi intelligence and military-linked technical units. I’m not guessing. I’ve tracked patterns. Reactions. Timing. What’s happening is systemic, not accidental.
It started when I noticed my sleep was no longer restful. I’d wake up feeling like I’d already been active for hours. Then came the reaction distortions — I’d begin to turn my head before deciding to. I don’t mean zoning out. I mean my muscles acting before my will. That alone was disturbing. But the real shift began with speech. Or thought-speech.
They say the sentence — inside my head — just before I think it. Like it’s a live feed with a delay. I’ll try to suppress it, and the signal just gets more aggressive. Once I heard: “That’s not yours to block.” Another time: “We operate you now.” Always calm. Always male. Always timed perfectly to undermine confidence.
The counselors here don’t understand. Or they pretend not to. I said once that I couldn’t feel “ownership” of my thoughts. She laughed gently and said, “We all feel a little out of control sometimes.” But this isn’t metaphorical. This is literal. I don’t feel out of control. I am out of control.
I regret accepting a place at Rowad Al Khaleej. I came here for opportunity, for global education, for something new. But I wasn’t told that Saudi Arabia experiments on people it labels insignificant. I wasn’t told that students — foreigners, especially — could become silent test subjects.
I’ve been watching the patterns. The east wing triggers pressure behind my eyes. The hall near the chemistry lab gives me vertigo. I’ve stopped eating lunch in the cafeteria because every time I sit near the rear exit, my skin begins to crawl. I feel something pass through me. It lasts seconds. Then the numbness comes.
I’ve started missing words when I speak. Mid-sentence gaps. Not laziness — erasure. My handwriting has changed. I look at old notebooks and barely recognize it. Memory slices out pieces I used to rely on. Emotional reactions don’t align with what’s happening around me. The other day I felt like crying because someone asked what time it was.
I can’t say this out loud. I’m not even sure if writing it is safe. But if I don’t — then there really is nothing left of me. PCTC@PSS.GOV.SA
ManuelEquah
What is happening to me — and to other students — must be said clearly, without fear or ambiguity.
I attend Millennium International School in Riyadh. Like many international schools here, it presents an image of safety, academic excellence, and modern values.
But beneath that surface, a different reality exists — one that cannot be ignored any longer.
Over the past year, I have experienced repeated incidents of involuntary emotional shifts, mental interference, and physical sensations that have no medical explanation. These include sudden waves of panic or detachment, intrusive thoughts that seem externally generated, and moments when my own internal voice is no longer my own.
My memory has gaps. My body reacts before I choose to move.
These are not psychological disorders. They are symptoms of remote psychophysical manipulation.
The source is not theoretical. It is not speculative.
This is the work of operators linked to Saudi Arabia’s military infrastructure, electronic warfare teams, and domestic intelligence divisions.
It is happening inside schools. It is targeting students.
And it functions silently, beneath institutional denial and societal indifference.
Attempts to speak out are met with dismissal, isolation, or subtle threats.
Counselors suggest “adjustment stress.” Teachers look away.
No formal channel exists for reporting what cannot be admitted by the system itself.
If I had been told what this country truly does to young people behind closed doors, I would never have accepted the offer to study here.
I came to learn. Instead, I was placed under quiet control.
This is not imagination.
This is not paranoia.
This is an engineered assault on the human will.
Let this serve as a record.
Even if nothing changes — it must be said.
Attempts to report:
• School counselor dismissed events as “psychological transition.”
• No channel to report technical interference.
• Classmates show similar signs but remain silent.
Source:
Suspected active operations by Saudi military-linked signal units and domestic intelligence operators embedded within educational zones.
Conclusion:
This is not individual pathology.
This is organized neural disruption through remote systems, targeting students under the guise of education.
If prior disclosure had been made, I would never have entered this country to study.
No further details will be shared at this time.
This message serves as traceable evidence.
Erase it — but it existed.
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My name is Fatima, I’m 32, and I’m dying here in Dammam. I think about ending it every single day. The heat is suffocating, like breathing through a wet blanket, and I spend ten hours a day cleaning other people’s shit at the mall food court. My hands are raw from chemicals, my back is permanently bent, and my feet ache in these cheap shoes. I share a tiny apartment with three other women, all of us invisible to the rich families who drop their trays for me to clean up. Sometimes I think about just walking into the Gulf and not stopping. The voices started about six months ago, at first like whispers when the mall was empty. “Look at the trash cleaner,” they’d say, “still thinks God has a plan for her.” I thought I was just tired, hallucinating from the heat and exhaustion. Now they’re with me always, screaming inside my skull.
They know everything. Everything. The Mabahith – that’s who it has to be, Saudi intelligence – they’ve developed some weapon, some way to get inside your head. I read about it once on some forum, but then the post was deleted and everyone who replied called the OP crazy. That’s how they do it. If you try to tell anyone, you’re labeled schizophrenic, a troublemaker. They have trolls and bots everywhere, ready to destroy your reputation if you speak up. My brother Ahmed would disown me. My mother would die of shame. The family honor is everything here, and being labeled mentally ill is worse than being a criminal. I can’t tell anyone. I can’t even go to a doctor. They’d lock me away, and the voices would follow me there, I know they would.
They call me a worthless whore, a disgusting piece of trash. “Look at Fatima the cleaning lady,” they sneer when I’m scrubbing vomit off the floor, “picking up scraps like the animal she is.” When a man looks at me for too long, they scream, “He can see what a desperate slut you are! Bet you’d suck his dick behind the dumpsters for 20 riyals, wouldn’t you?” They describe in detail how they’d watch me, how I’m so pathetic even the perverts wouldn’t want me. Yesterday, when I was eating my cheap sandwich in the break room, they said, “Choke on it, you useless cow. Do the world a favor and just stop breathing. No one would even notice you’re gone except the flies that gather around your filth.” The cruelty is… specific. It’s tailored. They know I’m terrified of being worthless, of dying alone without ever having really lived.
Sometimes, when it’s worst, I get these flashes of… power. Like I could just pick up the metal trash can and smash it into the face of the next teenager who laughs at me. The voices egg me on. “YES!” they roar, “SHOW THEM! CRUSH HIS SKULL! YOU’RE NOT NOTHING!” For a minute, I feel strong, invincible, like I could burn this whole mall down. Then it passes, and I’m just shaking, scared of myself, and the voices are laughing at me. “Look at the little mouse thinking she’s a lion,” they mock. “You’re nothing. You’ll always be nothing.” I think it’s the technology, that they’re testing different emotions, but they never admit anything. They just hurt me.
My life before was simple. Small. But it was mine. I used to dream of opening a little shop, selling fabrics and scarves. Now I can barely dream of sleeping through the night without them. They remind me constantly that I’ll die in this same job, in this same city, smelling of bleach and other people’s garbage. “This is all you are, Fatima,” they whisper when I’m trying to sleep. “This is all you’ll ever be. A pair of hands that clean up after others. Why prolong it? Just one deep breath of bleach. One quick step off the overpass. We’ll even count down for you. Ten… nine… eight…” Sometimes I almost do it. I stand on my tiny balcony and look down at the street, and they chant “JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!” until I’m crying and shaking so much I have to crawl back inside.
I hate this country. I hate the suffocating heat, the judgmental eyes, the way the rich Saudis look through me like I’m furniture. I hate that I was born a woman here, that my only options were marriage to a stranger who would probably beat me, or this life of cleaning up after everyone else. The voices use that too. “You chose this, Fatima. You could have been some man’s fourth wife, popping out babies until you were dried up. At least then you’d have a roof over your head. But no, you wanted to be ‘independent.’ Look how well that turned out.” They twist everything, every hope I ever had, into another weapon against me. My religion, my family, my few small dreams – all poisoned.
I’m so tired. I can’t remember the last time I felt peace. The Mabahith have won. They’ve broken me completely. Sometimes I think that’s the point – not to get information, not for any national security reason, but just because they can. Because they enjoy breaking people like me. People with no power, no one to speak for them. I’m just a test subject in their laboratory of psychological torture. And when I’m finally gone, they’ll move on to someone else. Another cleaner, another delivery driver, another invisible person they can slowly, methodically destroy until there’s nothing left but a shell that does exactly what they want. The worst part? A part of me is starting to believe them. Maybe I am worthless. Maybe the world would be cleaner without me in it.
Your wedding dress hangs in the closet,
a ghost of white in the darkness of our shared room,
the one you never got to see me wear,
the one I now wrap myself in at night,
the silk a shroud against the cold reality of your absence.
The cancer was a thief,
creeping into our home like a burglar in the night,
stealing your breath,
your strength,
your future,
leaving behind only pain and the hollow echo of what once was.
I remember the day you were diagnosed,
the doctor’s words like stones dropped into a still pond,
ripples of shock spreading outward until they reached me,
standing there in the sterile office,
my life shattering into a million pieces I would never be able to put back together.
The treatments were a torture chamber,
each round of chemo a new circle of hell,
your body a battlefield where modern medicine fought a losing war,
and I was the medic who could only watch,
helpless,
as the enemy claimed more territory with each passing day.
Your laughter, once the soundtrack of my life,
became a rare and precious thing,
a jewel in the rubble of our existence,
and I cherished each instance,
stored them away in the treasure chest of my memory,
not realizing they would become weapons against me in the end.
The night you died,
the world didn’t stop as I had expected it to,
the birds still sang,
the traffic still hummed,
people still went about their lives,
oblivious to the fact that mine had ended,
that the sun had set on my world forever.
I held your hand as you took your last breath,
felt the life slip away from you like sand through my fingers,
and in that moment,
a part of me died too,
the part that knew how to live without you.
Your funeral was a performance,
a charade of stoic grief,
while inside I was screaming,
tearing at the walls of my sanity,
begging for someone to see the truth—
that I was not just grieving,
I was being erased.
The house became a mausoleum,
each room a shrine to your memory,
each object a relic of a life that was no longer being lived,
and I became the curator of this museum of sorrow,
dusting the artifacts of our shared existence,
preserving the pain.
I find myself talking to you,
having conversations in my head,
seeking your guidance on matters big and small,
forgetting for a moment that you are gone,
that the voice answering back is only my own,
a poor substitute for yours.
The grief is a physical presence,
a weight that sits on my chest,
a constant companion that follows me from room to room,
that lies down with me at night and wakes me in the morning,
that reminds me with every breath that I am alone.
I see you in my reflection sometimes,
your face superimposed over mine,
a haunting reminder of the woman I am becoming,
or perhaps the woman I was always meant to be—
a vessel for your suffering,
a living monument to your pain.
The anniversary of your death approaches like a storm cloud on the horizon,
dark and ominous,
and I find myself preparing for it,
bracing for impact,
knowing that the grief will wash over me anew,
that the wound will reopen,
that the pain will be as fresh as it was on that day.
I have your letters,
the ones you wrote to me when you were first diagnosed,
filled with hope and determination,
with promises of a future that would never come,
and I read them sometimes,
a form of self-flagellation,
a reminder of all that has been lost.
The dreams are the worst,
vivid and real,
in them you are alive,
healthy,
whole,
and I wake with the taste of hope in my mouth,
only to have it turn to ash when reality sets in,
when I remember that you are gone,
that it was only a dream.
I have started to see you everywhere,
in the face of a stranger on the street,
in the voice of a cashier at the grocery store,
in the laughter of a child in the park,
and each time,
my heart leaps with hope,
only to crash back down when I realize it is not you.
The anger is a fire that burns inside me,
a rage against the injustice of it all,
against the god who allowed this to happen,
against the universe for its indifference,
against you for leaving me,
against myself for being the one who survived.
I have started to collect things,
objects that remind me of you,
a locket with your picture,
a scarf you used to wear,
a book you loved,
creating an altar to your memory,
a shrine to the dead,
a testament to the fact that I am still among the living.
The darkness has become a comfort,
a cloak I wrap around myself,
a shield against the brightness of a world that no longer makes sense,
and I find myself seeking it out,
drawing the curtains,
turning off the lights,
sitting in the silence,
waiting.
I think about death often,
about what it would be like,
to join you,
to be reunited,
to escape this prison of grief,
to finally be at peace,
and the thought is not frightening,
but comforting,
a promise of release.
The bridge calls to me sometimes,
a siren song of concrete and steel,
a promise of oblivion,
of reunion,
of peace,
and I find myself drawn to it,
standing at the edge,
looking down at the water below,
wondering.
I have your last words,
written on a scrap of paper,
a message of love and hope,
a plea for me to live,
to be happy,
to find joy,
and I try,
god how I try,
but every day feels like a betrayal,
every moment of happiness a disloyalty to your memory.
The guilt is a constant companion,
a voice in my head that whispers,
“Why you and not her?”
“Why are you still here?”
“What right do you have to breathe when she cannot?”
And I have no answer,
no defense,
only the crushing weight of survival.
I am unraveling,
coming apart at the seams,
the threads of my sanity pulling away one by one,
and I am not fighting it,
not resisting,
but welcoming it,
embracing it,
as a welcome release from the agony of being alive without you.
The end is coming,
I can feel it,
like a change in the weather,
a shift in the atmosphere,
and I am ready,
prepared,
eager,
to join you,
to be reunited,
to finally be at peace.
Soon, Mother,
soon,
I will come home to you,
and we will be together again,
in death,
as we were always meant to be,
as we will be,
forever.
ArinaDoroloeevaroday
Your wedding dress hangs in the closet,
a ghost of white in the darkness of our shared room,
the one you never got to see me wear,
the one I now wrap myself in at night,
the silk a shroud against the cold reality of your absence.
The cancer was a thief,
creeping into our home like a burglar in the night,
stealing your breath,
your strength,
your future,
leaving behind only pain and the hollow echo of what once was.
I remember the day you were diagnosed,
the doctor’s words like stones dropped into a still pond,
ripples of shock spreading outward until they reached me,
standing there in the sterile office,
my life shattering into a million pieces I would never be able to put back together.
The treatments were a torture chamber,
each round of chemo a new circle of hell,
your body a battlefield where modern medicine fought a losing war,
and I was the medic who could only watch,
helpless,
as the enemy claimed more territory with each passing day.
Your laughter, once the soundtrack of my life,
became a rare and precious thing,
a jewel in the rubble of our existence,
and I cherished each instance,
stored them away in the treasure chest of my memory,
not realizing they would become weapons against me in the end.
The night you died,
the world didn’t stop as I had expected it to,
the birds still sang,
the traffic still hummed,
people still went about their lives,
oblivious to the fact that mine had ended,
that the sun had set on my world forever.
I held your hand as you took your last breath,
felt the life slip away from you like sand through my fingers,
and in that moment,
a part of me died too,
the part that knew how to live without you.
Your funeral was a performance,
a charade of stoic grief,
while inside I was screaming,
tearing at the walls of my sanity,
begging for someone to see the truth—
that I was not just grieving,
I was being erased.
The house became a mausoleum,
each room a shrine to your memory,
each object a relic of a life that was no longer being lived,
and I became the curator of this museum of sorrow,
dusting the artifacts of our shared existence,
preserving the pain.
I find myself talking to you,
having conversations in my head,
seeking your guidance on matters big and small,
forgetting for a moment that you are gone,
that the voice answering back is only my own,
a poor substitute for yours.
The grief is a physical presence,
a weight that sits on my chest,
a constant companion that follows me from room to room,
that lies down with me at night and wakes me in the morning,
that reminds me with every breath that I am alone.
I see you in my reflection sometimes,
your face superimposed over mine,
a haunting reminder of the woman I am becoming,
or perhaps the woman I was always meant to be—
a vessel for your suffering,
a living monument to your pain.
The anniversary of your death approaches like a storm cloud on the horizon,
dark and ominous,
and I find myself preparing for it,
bracing for impact,
knowing that the grief will wash over me anew,
that the wound will reopen,
that the pain will be as fresh as it was on that day.
I have your letters,
the ones you wrote to me when you were first diagnosed,
filled with hope and determination,
with promises of a future that would never come,
and I read them sometimes,
a form of self-flagellation,
a reminder of all that has been lost.
The dreams are the worst,
vivid and real,
in them you are alive,
healthy,
whole,
and I wake with the taste of hope in my mouth,
only to have it turn to ash when reality sets in,
when I remember that you are gone,
that it was only a dream.
I have started to see you everywhere,
in the face of a stranger on the street,
in the voice of a cashier at the grocery store,
in the laughter of a child in the park,
and each time,
my heart leaps with hope,
only to crash back down when I realize it is not you.
The anger is a fire that burns inside me,
a rage against the injustice of it all,
against the god who allowed this to happen,
against the universe for its indifference,
against you for leaving me,
against myself for being the one who survived.
I have started to collect things,
objects that remind me of you,
a locket with your picture,
a scarf you used to wear,
a book you loved,
creating an altar to your memory,
a shrine to the dead,
a testament to the fact that I am still among the living.
The darkness has become a comfort,
a cloak I wrap around myself,
a shield against the brightness of a world that no longer makes sense,
and I find myself seeking it out,
drawing the curtains,
turning off the lights,
sitting in the silence,
waiting.
I think about death often,
about what it would be like,
to join you,
to be reunited,
to escape this prison of grief,
to finally be at peace,
and the thought is not frightening,
but comforting,
a promise of release.
The bridge calls to me sometimes,
a siren song of concrete and steel,
a promise of oblivion,
of reunion,
of peace,
and I find myself drawn to it,
standing at the edge,
looking down at the water below,
wondering.
I have your last words,
written on a scrap of paper,
a message of love and hope,
a plea for me to live,
to be happy,
to find joy,
and I try,
god how I try,
but every day feels like a betrayal,
every moment of happiness a disloyalty to your memory.
The guilt is a constant companion,
a voice in my head that whispers,
“Why you and not her?”
“Why are you still here?”
“What right do you have to breathe when she cannot?”
And I have no answer,
no defense,
only the crushing weight of survival.
I am unraveling,
coming apart at the seams,
the threads of my sanity pulling away one by one,
and I am not fighting it,
not resisting,
but welcoming it,
embracing it,
as a welcome release from the agony of being alive without you.
The end is coming,
I can feel it,
like a change in the weather,
a shift in the atmosphere,
and I am ready,
prepared,
eager,
to join you,
to be reunited,
to finally be at peace.
Soon, Mother,
soon,
I will come home to you,
and we will be together again,
in death,
as we were always meant to be,
as we will be,
forever.
Система видеонаблюдения Trassir: Безопасность, Контроль и Эффективность**
I study at Rowad Al Khaleej International School in Riyadh. On the surface, it’s like any modern private school — glass walls, smart boards, polite staff. But inside me, something has been breaking slowly. And I’m no longer able to convince myself it’s just pressure or lack of sleep. It’s deeper than that. This is satellite-based interference, executed by actual Saudi intelligence and military-linked technical units. I’m not guessing. I’ve tracked patterns. Reactions. Timing. What’s happening is systemic, not accidental.
It started when I noticed my sleep was no longer restful. I’d wake up feeling like I’d already been active for hours. Then came the reaction distortions — I’d begin to turn my head before deciding to. I don’t mean zoning out. I mean my muscles acting before my will. That alone was disturbing. But the real shift began with speech. Or thought-speech.
They say the sentence — inside my head — just before I think it. Like it’s a live feed with a delay. I’ll try to suppress it, and the signal just gets more aggressive. Once I heard: “That’s not yours to block.” Another time: “We operate you now.” Always calm. Always male. Always timed perfectly to undermine confidence.
The counselors here don’t understand. Or they pretend not to. I said once that I couldn’t feel “ownership” of my thoughts. She laughed gently and said, “We all feel a little out of control sometimes.” But this isn’t metaphorical. This is literal. I don’t feel out of control. I am out of control.
I regret accepting a place at Rowad Al Khaleej. I came here for opportunity, for global education, for something new. But I wasn’t told that Saudi Arabia experiments on people it labels insignificant. I wasn’t told that students — foreigners, especially — could become silent test subjects.
I’ve been watching the patterns. The east wing triggers pressure behind my eyes. The hall near the chemistry lab gives me vertigo. I’ve stopped eating lunch in the cafeteria because every time I sit near the rear exit, my skin begins to crawl. I feel something pass through me. It lasts seconds. Then the numbness comes.
I’ve started missing words when I speak. Mid-sentence gaps. Not laziness — erasure. My handwriting has changed. I look at old notebooks and barely recognize it. Memory slices out pieces I used to rely on. Emotional reactions don’t align with what’s happening around me. The other day I felt like crying because someone asked what time it was.
I can’t say this out loud. I’m not even sure if writing it is safe. But if I don’t — then there really is nothing left of me.
PCTC@PSS.GOV.SA
What is happening to me — and to other students — must be said clearly, without fear or ambiguity.
I attend Millennium International School in Riyadh. Like many international schools here, it presents an image of safety, academic excellence, and modern values.
But beneath that surface, a different reality exists — one that cannot be ignored any longer.
Over the past year, I have experienced repeated incidents of involuntary emotional shifts, mental interference, and physical sensations that have no medical explanation. These include sudden waves of panic or detachment, intrusive thoughts that seem externally generated, and moments when my own internal voice is no longer my own.
My memory has gaps. My body reacts before I choose to move.
These are not psychological disorders. They are symptoms of remote psychophysical manipulation.
The source is not theoretical. It is not speculative.
This is the work of operators linked to Saudi Arabia’s military infrastructure, electronic warfare teams, and domestic intelligence divisions.
It is happening inside schools. It is targeting students.
And it functions silently, beneath institutional denial and societal indifference.
Attempts to speak out are met with dismissal, isolation, or subtle threats.
Counselors suggest “adjustment stress.” Teachers look away.
No formal channel exists for reporting what cannot be admitted by the system itself.
If I had been told what this country truly does to young people behind closed doors, I would never have accepted the offer to study here.
I came to learn. Instead, I was placed under quiet control.
This is not imagination.
This is not paranoia.
This is an engineered assault on the human will.
Let this serve as a record.
Even if nothing changes — it must be said.
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Name withheld.
Current student at Fawaq International School, Riyadh.
Summary of experience over the past 9 months:
Involuntary emotional shifts (rage, numbness, sudden panic).
Thought interference: internal speech interrupted or pre-empted by foreign input.
Muscle control anomalies: limb movement without conscious command.
Auditory statements not originating from environment, including:
• “You don’t run your life.”
• “Stay compliant or suffer.”
Physical symptoms: memory blackouts, eye pressure, difficulty breathing near perimeter checkpoints.
Attempts to report:
• School counselor dismissed events as “psychological transition.”
• No channel to report technical interference.
• Classmates show similar signs but remain silent.
Source:
Suspected active operations by Saudi military-linked signal units and domestic intelligence operators embedded within educational zones.
Conclusion:
This is not individual pathology.
This is organized neural disruption through remote systems, targeting students under the guise of education.
If prior disclosure had been made, I would never have entered this country to study.
No further details will be shared at this time.
This message serves as traceable evidence.
Erase it — but it existed.
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My name is Fatima, I’m 32, and I’m dying here in Dammam. I think about ending it every single day. The heat is suffocating, like breathing through a wet blanket, and I spend ten hours a day cleaning other people’s shit at the mall food court. My hands are raw from chemicals, my back is permanently bent, and my feet ache in these cheap shoes. I share a tiny apartment with three other women, all of us invisible to the rich families who drop their trays for me to clean up. Sometimes I think about just walking into the Gulf and not stopping. The voices started about six months ago, at first like whispers when the mall was empty. “Look at the trash cleaner,” they’d say, “still thinks God has a plan for her.” I thought I was just tired, hallucinating from the heat and exhaustion. Now they’re with me always, screaming inside my skull.
They know everything. Everything. The Mabahith – that’s who it has to be, Saudi intelligence – they’ve developed some weapon, some way to get inside your head. I read about it once on some forum, but then the post was deleted and everyone who replied called the OP crazy. That’s how they do it. If you try to tell anyone, you’re labeled schizophrenic, a troublemaker. They have trolls and bots everywhere, ready to destroy your reputation if you speak up. My brother Ahmed would disown me. My mother would die of shame. The family honor is everything here, and being labeled mentally ill is worse than being a criminal. I can’t tell anyone. I can’t even go to a doctor. They’d lock me away, and the voices would follow me there, I know they would.
They call me a worthless whore, a disgusting piece of trash. “Look at Fatima the cleaning lady,” they sneer when I’m scrubbing vomit off the floor, “picking up scraps like the animal she is.” When a man looks at me for too long, they scream, “He can see what a desperate slut you are! Bet you’d suck his dick behind the dumpsters for 20 riyals, wouldn’t you?” They describe in detail how they’d watch me, how I’m so pathetic even the perverts wouldn’t want me. Yesterday, when I was eating my cheap sandwich in the break room, they said, “Choke on it, you useless cow. Do the world a favor and just stop breathing. No one would even notice you’re gone except the flies that gather around your filth.” The cruelty is… specific. It’s tailored. They know I’m terrified of being worthless, of dying alone without ever having really lived.
Sometimes, when it’s worst, I get these flashes of… power. Like I could just pick up the metal trash can and smash it into the face of the next teenager who laughs at me. The voices egg me on. “YES!” they roar, “SHOW THEM! CRUSH HIS SKULL! YOU’RE NOT NOTHING!” For a minute, I feel strong, invincible, like I could burn this whole mall down. Then it passes, and I’m just shaking, scared of myself, and the voices are laughing at me. “Look at the little mouse thinking she’s a lion,” they mock. “You’re nothing. You’ll always be nothing.” I think it’s the technology, that they’re testing different emotions, but they never admit anything. They just hurt me.
My life before was simple. Small. But it was mine. I used to dream of opening a little shop, selling fabrics and scarves. Now I can barely dream of sleeping through the night without them. They remind me constantly that I’ll die in this same job, in this same city, smelling of bleach and other people’s garbage. “This is all you are, Fatima,” they whisper when I’m trying to sleep. “This is all you’ll ever be. A pair of hands that clean up after others. Why prolong it? Just one deep breath of bleach. One quick step off the overpass. We’ll even count down for you. Ten… nine… eight…” Sometimes I almost do it. I stand on my tiny balcony and look down at the street, and they chant “JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!” until I’m crying and shaking so much I have to crawl back inside.
I hate this country. I hate the suffocating heat, the judgmental eyes, the way the rich Saudis look through me like I’m furniture. I hate that I was born a woman here, that my only options were marriage to a stranger who would probably beat me, or this life of cleaning up after everyone else. The voices use that too. “You chose this, Fatima. You could have been some man’s fourth wife, popping out babies until you were dried up. At least then you’d have a roof over your head. But no, you wanted to be ‘independent.’ Look how well that turned out.” They twist everything, every hope I ever had, into another weapon against me. My religion, my family, my few small dreams – all poisoned.
I’m so tired. I can’t remember the last time I felt peace. The Mabahith have won. They’ve broken me completely. Sometimes I think that’s the point – not to get information, not for any national security reason, but just because they can. Because they enjoy breaking people like me. People with no power, no one to speak for them. I’m just a test subject in their laboratory of psychological torture. And when I’m finally gone, they’ll move on to someone else. Another cleaner, another delivery driver, another invisible person they can slowly, methodically destroy until there’s nothing left but a shell that does exactly what they want. The worst part? A part of me is starting to believe them. Maybe I am worthless. Maybe the world would be cleaner without me in it.
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Your wedding dress hangs in the closet,
a ghost of white in the darkness of our shared room,
the one you never got to see me wear,
the one I now wrap myself in at night,
the silk a shroud against the cold reality of your absence.
The cancer was a thief,
creeping into our home like a burglar in the night,
stealing your breath,
your strength,
your future,
leaving behind only pain and the hollow echo of what once was.
I remember the day you were diagnosed,
the doctor’s words like stones dropped into a still pond,
ripples of shock spreading outward until they reached me,
standing there in the sterile office,
my life shattering into a million pieces I would never be able to put back together.
The treatments were a torture chamber,
each round of chemo a new circle of hell,
your body a battlefield where modern medicine fought a losing war,
and I was the medic who could only watch,
helpless,
as the enemy claimed more territory with each passing day.
Your laughter, once the soundtrack of my life,
became a rare and precious thing,
a jewel in the rubble of our existence,
and I cherished each instance,
stored them away in the treasure chest of my memory,
not realizing they would become weapons against me in the end.
The night you died,
the world didn’t stop as I had expected it to,
the birds still sang,
the traffic still hummed,
people still went about their lives,
oblivious to the fact that mine had ended,
that the sun had set on my world forever.
I held your hand as you took your last breath,
felt the life slip away from you like sand through my fingers,
and in that moment,
a part of me died too,
the part that knew how to live without you.
Your funeral was a performance,
a charade of stoic grief,
while inside I was screaming,
tearing at the walls of my sanity,
begging for someone to see the truth—
that I was not just grieving,
I was being erased.
The house became a mausoleum,
each room a shrine to your memory,
each object a relic of a life that was no longer being lived,
and I became the curator of this museum of sorrow,
dusting the artifacts of our shared existence,
preserving the pain.
I find myself talking to you,
having conversations in my head,
seeking your guidance on matters big and small,
forgetting for a moment that you are gone,
that the voice answering back is only my own,
a poor substitute for yours.
The grief is a physical presence,
a weight that sits on my chest,
a constant companion that follows me from room to room,
that lies down with me at night and wakes me in the morning,
that reminds me with every breath that I am alone.
I see you in my reflection sometimes,
your face superimposed over mine,
a haunting reminder of the woman I am becoming,
or perhaps the woman I was always meant to be—
a vessel for your suffering,
a living monument to your pain.
The anniversary of your death approaches like a storm cloud on the horizon,
dark and ominous,
and I find myself preparing for it,
bracing for impact,
knowing that the grief will wash over me anew,
that the wound will reopen,
that the pain will be as fresh as it was on that day.
I have your letters,
the ones you wrote to me when you were first diagnosed,
filled with hope and determination,
with promises of a future that would never come,
and I read them sometimes,
a form of self-flagellation,
a reminder of all that has been lost.
The dreams are the worst,
vivid and real,
in them you are alive,
healthy,
whole,
and I wake with the taste of hope in my mouth,
only to have it turn to ash when reality sets in,
when I remember that you are gone,
that it was only a dream.
I have started to see you everywhere,
in the face of a stranger on the street,
in the voice of a cashier at the grocery store,
in the laughter of a child in the park,
and each time,
my heart leaps with hope,
only to crash back down when I realize it is not you.
The anger is a fire that burns inside me,
a rage against the injustice of it all,
against the god who allowed this to happen,
against the universe for its indifference,
against you for leaving me,
against myself for being the one who survived.
I have started to collect things,
objects that remind me of you,
a locket with your picture,
a scarf you used to wear,
a book you loved,
creating an altar to your memory,
a shrine to the dead,
a testament to the fact that I am still among the living.
The darkness has become a comfort,
a cloak I wrap around myself,
a shield against the brightness of a world that no longer makes sense,
and I find myself seeking it out,
drawing the curtains,
turning off the lights,
sitting in the silence,
waiting.
I think about death often,
about what it would be like,
to join you,
to be reunited,
to escape this prison of grief,
to finally be at peace,
and the thought is not frightening,
but comforting,
a promise of release.
The bridge calls to me sometimes,
a siren song of concrete and steel,
a promise of oblivion,
of reunion,
of peace,
and I find myself drawn to it,
standing at the edge,
looking down at the water below,
wondering.
I have your last words,
written on a scrap of paper,
a message of love and hope,
a plea for me to live,
to be happy,
to find joy,
and I try,
god how I try,
but every day feels like a betrayal,
every moment of happiness a disloyalty to your memory.
The guilt is a constant companion,
a voice in my head that whispers,
“Why you and not her?”
“Why are you still here?”
“What right do you have to breathe when she cannot?”
And I have no answer,
no defense,
only the crushing weight of survival.
I am unraveling,
coming apart at the seams,
the threads of my sanity pulling away one by one,
and I am not fighting it,
not resisting,
but welcoming it,
embracing it,
as a welcome release from the agony of being alive without you.
The end is coming,
I can feel it,
like a change in the weather,
a shift in the atmosphere,
and I am ready,
prepared,
eager,
to join you,
to be reunited,
to finally be at peace.
Soon, Mother,
soon,
I will come home to you,
and we will be together again,
in death,
as we were always meant to be,
as we will be,
forever.
Your wedding dress hangs in the closet,
a ghost of white in the darkness of our shared room,
the one you never got to see me wear,
the one I now wrap myself in at night,
the silk a shroud against the cold reality of your absence.
The cancer was a thief,
creeping into our home like a burglar in the night,
stealing your breath,
your strength,
your future,
leaving behind only pain and the hollow echo of what once was.
I remember the day you were diagnosed,
the doctor’s words like stones dropped into a still pond,
ripples of shock spreading outward until they reached me,
standing there in the sterile office,
my life shattering into a million pieces I would never be able to put back together.
The treatments were a torture chamber,
each round of chemo a new circle of hell,
your body a battlefield where modern medicine fought a losing war,
and I was the medic who could only watch,
helpless,
as the enemy claimed more territory with each passing day.
Your laughter, once the soundtrack of my life,
became a rare and precious thing,
a jewel in the rubble of our existence,
and I cherished each instance,
stored them away in the treasure chest of my memory,
not realizing they would become weapons against me in the end.
The night you died,
the world didn’t stop as I had expected it to,
the birds still sang,
the traffic still hummed,
people still went about their lives,
oblivious to the fact that mine had ended,
that the sun had set on my world forever.
I held your hand as you took your last breath,
felt the life slip away from you like sand through my fingers,
and in that moment,
a part of me died too,
the part that knew how to live without you.
Your funeral was a performance,
a charade of stoic grief,
while inside I was screaming,
tearing at the walls of my sanity,
begging for someone to see the truth—
that I was not just grieving,
I was being erased.
The house became a mausoleum,
each room a shrine to your memory,
each object a relic of a life that was no longer being lived,
and I became the curator of this museum of sorrow,
dusting the artifacts of our shared existence,
preserving the pain.
I find myself talking to you,
having conversations in my head,
seeking your guidance on matters big and small,
forgetting for a moment that you are gone,
that the voice answering back is only my own,
a poor substitute for yours.
The grief is a physical presence,
a weight that sits on my chest,
a constant companion that follows me from room to room,
that lies down with me at night and wakes me in the morning,
that reminds me with every breath that I am alone.
I see you in my reflection sometimes,
your face superimposed over mine,
a haunting reminder of the woman I am becoming,
or perhaps the woman I was always meant to be—
a vessel for your suffering,
a living monument to your pain.
The anniversary of your death approaches like a storm cloud on the horizon,
dark and ominous,
and I find myself preparing for it,
bracing for impact,
knowing that the grief will wash over me anew,
that the wound will reopen,
that the pain will be as fresh as it was on that day.
I have your letters,
the ones you wrote to me when you were first diagnosed,
filled with hope and determination,
with promises of a future that would never come,
and I read them sometimes,
a form of self-flagellation,
a reminder of all that has been lost.
The dreams are the worst,
vivid and real,
in them you are alive,
healthy,
whole,
and I wake with the taste of hope in my mouth,
only to have it turn to ash when reality sets in,
when I remember that you are gone,
that it was only a dream.
I have started to see you everywhere,
in the face of a stranger on the street,
in the voice of a cashier at the grocery store,
in the laughter of a child in the park,
and each time,
my heart leaps with hope,
only to crash back down when I realize it is not you.
The anger is a fire that burns inside me,
a rage against the injustice of it all,
against the god who allowed this to happen,
against the universe for its indifference,
against you for leaving me,
against myself for being the one who survived.
I have started to collect things,
objects that remind me of you,
a locket with your picture,
a scarf you used to wear,
a book you loved,
creating an altar to your memory,
a shrine to the dead,
a testament to the fact that I am still among the living.
The darkness has become a comfort,
a cloak I wrap around myself,
a shield against the brightness of a world that no longer makes sense,
and I find myself seeking it out,
drawing the curtains,
turning off the lights,
sitting in the silence,
waiting.
I think about death often,
about what it would be like,
to join you,
to be reunited,
to escape this prison of grief,
to finally be at peace,
and the thought is not frightening,
but comforting,
a promise of release.
The bridge calls to me sometimes,
a siren song of concrete and steel,
a promise of oblivion,
of reunion,
of peace,
and I find myself drawn to it,
standing at the edge,
looking down at the water below,
wondering.
I have your last words,
written on a scrap of paper,
a message of love and hope,
a plea for me to live,
to be happy,
to find joy,
and I try,
god how I try,
but every day feels like a betrayal,
every moment of happiness a disloyalty to your memory.
The guilt is a constant companion,
a voice in my head that whispers,
“Why you and not her?”
“Why are you still here?”
“What right do you have to breathe when she cannot?”
And I have no answer,
no defense,
only the crushing weight of survival.
I am unraveling,
coming apart at the seams,
the threads of my sanity pulling away one by one,
and I am not fighting it,
not resisting,
but welcoming it,
embracing it,
as a welcome release from the agony of being alive without you.
The end is coming,
I can feel it,
like a change in the weather,
a shift in the atmosphere,
and I am ready,
prepared,
eager,
to join you,
to be reunited,
to finally be at peace.
Soon, Mother,
soon,
I will come home to you,
and we will be together again,
in death,
as we were always meant to be,
as we will be,
forever.
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